Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
