Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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