I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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