you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
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He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
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I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party