She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
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He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
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I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?