I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?