I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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