Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
