I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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