I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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