I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
