I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize