pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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