I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize