I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
