this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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