there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
