i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
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