Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
