I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
