I just cut my nipple shaving
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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