cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
