all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
