Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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