my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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