I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
