Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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