you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
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That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
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Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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