Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
