I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
