Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
