The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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