Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
