her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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