don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
