At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
