Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
