I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
