i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize