Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
