like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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