and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
