is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
