what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
