dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Is it penis luge time yet?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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