Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
