We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
