you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
