when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
