I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
