I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
