I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
