now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
