why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
