Well douche your snatch and let's go!
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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