Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
