I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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