She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Every concussion has its silver lining
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.