Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.